Notes From A Relatively Old Man, #3

Every month or so, Stone’s 10th Grade Dean Jay Lance shares advice to his students which he lovingly calls, “Notes From a Relatively Old Man”. Below, Jay’s first letter of the 2020-2021 school year:

Hello, 10th graders,

Once in a while, I like to offer a bit of advice from my perspective as a relatively old man. I don’t actually think that I am old, not at 53, but relative to you, I’m pretty old. I’m roughly 350% older than you, if you want to put some math into it.

One of the things that I know, for sure, is this: life is challenging. It doesn’t matter how old you are, where you live, how much money you have, etc. Life is never easy.

This isn’t unfair. Your challenges are different from mine which are different from my neighbor and your neighbor, but each of us still have challenging lives. 

Whenever you start comparing your situation with someone else, you may notice that their life seems easier than yours. While that may seem true, all comparisons along these lines are flawed because they are incomplete and because they imply an objective scale that simply does not exist.

I still make these comparisons in my life, either thinking I have it better or thinking I have it worse. I do it because I’m insecure. And I’m insecure because I’m human.

I moved around a lot when I was little, but for a while we lived in Cleveland, Ohio in a little brick two-story house in a neighborhood that was much more diverse than the one I live in now. 

This was the early 1970’s. My sisters and I played a lot outside with the other kids on the block. We were very good friends with the Friedmans who lived right across the street. One summer they went on vacation and when they came home they brought us gifts. They gave me a little red and white yamika. I think it said, but at this point I could well be wrong, “My Best Friend Went to Israel and all I got was this Yamika”.

In December every year, I had incredible jealousy as I watched them get a present every day for two weeks while I only got presents on one day. I remember this as actual pain, something I didn’t know how to deal with. 

One of those days Jacob, who was two years younger than me, came over to our house with a cap rifle. All I had was a cap pistol, and my jealousy became anger. Why did he get to have something that I didn’t have? 

I refused to play with him and went back in the house. 

Even now I have shame with that reaction. I can see how ridiculous it was to care about such things, to have believed at all that Jacob and the Friedmans had it better than me no matter what evidence I had. 

What hurts me the most now is that I treated him so poorly because I thought that his life was better than mine.

We lost touch with the Friedmans after we moved away the next year. I don’t know what Jacob ever did. My sister tried to find them once on social media but never did. My mom told me their parents got divorced soon after we left but that’s all I know. 

One thing I do know is that no matter how it appeared to me then, Jacob and the Friedmans had challenging lives. They had complex, deep lives that were difficult to navigate and at times were certainly hard and unfulfilling. They also had joy and love and hope.

I know that because my life has been that way and everyone I’ve ever had the honor to get to know has also had such a life. 

Reminding yourself of this simple truth, that life is challenging for everyone, gives you a better chance to accept your own circumstances for what they are and let go of relentlessly comparing yourself to others. 

It gives you a better chance of giving those around you the type of attention, caring, and respect that they deserve and desperately need.

Because if our lives are always challenging, then we are going to need a lot of help from others to get through them. 

And others are going to need a lot of help from you as well.

Sophie shared this quote with me, that I love:  "Comparison is the thief of joy" from Teddy Roosevelt.

If you want to read more about this idea, this article from Psychology Today is quite relevant.

Let’s start here this year and each do our part to make this year better for others. 

Until then, take care of yourself. 

And don’t forget to take care of others.

Jay